It has taken me quite some time to get back on here, because honestly, I do not want to think about the impending surgery. I do not want to think of Georgia being wheeled into the OR, I do not want to think about the rough road to recovery for our family, I do not want to think of any of it. No one can truly understand this unless you have walked this road or something similiar. The only thought that keeps coming around is wishing that God would heal her with the touch of His hand because I know that He would not make her pay such a cost to have a seizure free life. He would not make her weak, he would not take one thing away to give her something else. But as Sean keeps reminding me, just because God is not giving us the miracle of creative healing does not mean that He is not the one calling the shots. For the most part, I have kept myself busy, we celebrated Conerly's first birthday, I have started organizing the house, getting rid of all the baby stuff and getting things in order for Sean while I am away but when all that stops, I'm alone with my thoughts, late into the night I am praying, tossing and turning in my sleep, having terrible dreams. I would rather not talk about the surgery, thanks for asking though. I feel bad when people ask, I just do not have it in me to discuss anymore. Yes, I know in my heart that this is the best thing for Georgia and I know it is the only thing that is going to give her a shot at a relatively normal life but at the end of the day, when I lay in bed with Georgia, all I can think about it losing her. I am trying to cherish every moment with her but at the same time preparing for the worst. I know how that sounds but there is always that risk when you go in for surgery. I do not want to lose my daughter, I do not think I could live without her. We also have heard conflicting reports from the doctors about how weak she will be, the surgeon said she will not be able to wiggle her fingers while the neurologist said she would only have gross motor skills in her arm, meaning not be able to do much with her right arm besides assist in lifing of a large object. Then she might have to be put in a leg brace to keep her leg straight.
Why? Why did this happen to her? Why our family? Georgia is such an angel, she is perfect in every way, so why does she have to suffer? Why do we have to make these decisions? Would Georgia pick this option for herself if it were left to her? Will she be angry with me down the road when she looks in the mirror and sees a huge scar on the side of her head? Will she understand the magnitude and how much her dad and I have agonized over this? Will she still love me for allowing this to be done to her? So many questions and so few answers.
The one verse that keeps running through my mind is "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6 So, I guess what all of this boils down to is, do I trust in the Lord enough to let Him hold her and let Him work through these surgeons. Can I put my faith into the unseen? Can I do this and not look back? Can I trust God to keep His promises to us and deliver Georgia from this downward spiraling path? And the anwer is Yes, Yes I can trust Him.Yes, because God has layed out the plan for us and all we have to do is walk through the door. No matter what happens, I know that my daughter will stand before the Lord one day, God willing later than sooner, and He will say to her, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." As I previously wrote about Abraham and Issac, this is my putting all my trust in the Lord and knowing that He will provide. He will bring Georgia through this stronger and happier and most of all seizure free.
On a brigher note, we did ask the surgeon how long would be know before the surgery worked and he said not long, he asked how often does Georgia seize and we told him everyday and he said well if you do not see any seizures for a couple of months then you know the surgery worked and within six months of no seizures she is considered cured. A long road we have traveled to get to this point but knowing we are approaching a new road of endless happiness and joy.
Keep us in your prayers and I will keep everyone updated as we go along. I leave you with this verse, "Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are
those who have not seen and yet have believed." John 20:29