Beauty from Pain

   Hello, I know it has been a few days, not much to update and just soaking everything around me in. I do not feel as down as I did but I still feel blue. A family friend called me Monday night and told me that when Georgia starts to feel restless to read Psalms to her, so for the last few nights I have done that and it has helped me. Not suprising though, that is what the Word is for, to bring us hope in time of distress. Sometimes I feel like such a fraud, I would like to pretend that I have it all together and I am sailing through this process of rehab but truthfully I am not. I feel restless and antsy, I feel as though we have reached our potential and sometimes I think that I have asked God for too much and I just need to accept things as they are. I feel very far from God, I wish that I could go back to that mindset in which I just prayed that God would take the seizures and we could handle everything else but then I look around and I want more. I want my Georgia, the child that I gave birth to, that was healthy and happy and far exceeding her peers. I have asked if that was a predictor of how things will be once the seizures were stopped and I have not been told a straight answer, the doctor did tell us that our IQs and our involvement with our child did have a huge part to play in the recovery of Georgia...while I may not have a huge IQ I am a very hands-on Mommy. I still do not know the "plan" and how I wish I did. I am continuing to pray for guidance and patience and not to be angry.

   In the midst of all this, I see Georgia's scar and I cannot help but think it is one of the most beautiful things, I see God's thumb print. When I first saw it, that first night after surgery, it terrified and scared me, I almost fainted. However, because of that scar I can see hope, when there was no hope for my daughter, I see this visible sign that there is hope for her, for her to have a normal life, normal friends, normal fears and normal moments in time that she would not trade for anything not to have that scar.

   It seems crazy to think that just a few weeks before we saw Dr. Lee we were told there was no hope for Georgia, her seizures had no beginning and no ending and she would seize until she eventually died. Fast forward two months later and we are given life, when we did not know how we were going to live our lives out with Georgia seizing every hour of every waking day, we are almost three weeks without one seizure. I am still holding my breath and everyday her pediatrician here kindly asks if we have seen any seizures and I tell her no, I am still waiting. I hope and pray that I am waiting in vain. Every little thing she does, I am scared. I hope this will pass as we get further and further out from  surgery. From death to life, God is so good. While I am here feeling sorry for myself, God is on His throne and He wants to hear from me, He wants me to cry out to Him, He wants to comfort me. So why do I feel so estranged from my Father? "Do not grieve, because the joy of the Lord is your stronghold." Nehemiah 8:10 "Wait for the Lord, be strong and courageous. Wait for the Lord." Psalms 27:14 In times like this I must remember to praise Our Father who not only gives but also takes away, "I will thank Yahweh with all my heart; I will declare all Your wonderful works. I will rejoice and boast about you; I will sing about Your name, Most High." Psalms 9:1-2 Please pray for me and Georgia of course. God will get all the glory no matter what.

   I almost forgot, Georgia is sitting up completely unassisted, she is looking more to the right now, whereas she had all but ignored it before, she is finger feeding, she has grown quite attached to her blanket (read she takes it everywhere with her), she props herself up on her elbow from her stomach  she is able to kneel on her knees, she is rolling completely over in the bed and I am not sure if I mentioned this before but she is able to sit up in bed from laying down. We are looking for more purposeful movement from that right side, it's taking a little longer than I would like but I'm still certain it will happen. Hopefully, tomorrow we will be given an estimation when we will be discharged.


This is a great song, Stay With Me by Barlow Girls. My theme song for now.

Hope is, getting through this night
And life is not dying in this fight
I'm begging you to deliver me ooh ooh ooh
Confused why you won't take this pain from me

My steps never felt so hard
The end never look so far but
If you won't take me out
Then please take me through this

Stay with me so I won't leave
And make me see that this is not forever
'Cause all I need is your love pulling me

What is the reason for this night
Is hope found in moments with no light
Does strength grow in our greatest fears
And God I pray something good will
come from this pain

My steps never felt so hard
The end never look so far but
If you won't take me out
Then please take me through this

Stay with me so I won't leave
And make me see that this is not forever
'Cause all I need is your love pulling me

With you here I know
I don't go alone
I am yours and so
Through the fire I'll go

My steps never felt so hard
The end never look so far but
If you won't take me out
Then please take me through this

Stay with me so I won't leave
And make me see that this is not forever
'Cause all I need is your love pulling me

Stay with me so I won't leave
And make me see that this is not forever
'Cause all I need is your love pulling me