Wisdom

Wisdom defined:  a deep understanding and realization of people, things, events or situations, resulting in the ability to apply perceptions, judgements and actions in keeping with this understanding. It often requires control of one's emotional reactions (the "passions") so that universal principles, reason and knowledge prevail to determine one's actions. Wisdom is also the comprehension of what is true or right coupled with optimum judgment as to action

Sean and I are facing our biggest decisions that we will probably ever have to face. We jumped the first hurdle, whether or not Sean would reinlist for another 6 year term in the Army. After much deliberation and prayers we decided that him reinlisting would be the best thing for our family because we really need the health insurance for Georgia to get the help that she needs. Next week Georgia will be admitted to the hospital for another EEG, MRI and to consult with a Neurosurgeon. We are terrrified, not only of what the future holds but also the MRI. Georgia will be completely sedated to do the procedure. This is something I would not wish on my worst enemy, to see my child go from completely awake to completely lifeless in a manner of seconds. It absolutely breaks my heart and scares me to death. My prayer is for discernment and wisdom right now. Sean and I need absolute peace about what we are facing doing in the next few months. One option that is still scary and not without its own risks is the Vagus Nerve Stimulator, which is described as a pacemaker for the brain. Now, it does not go into the brain but in the neck and still requires surgery. We will also be discussing brain surgery which would entail taking out the damaged part of her brain. SCARY! Our main focus is making Georgia better and better able to lead a productive life. Sean and I both understand that Georgia may not be what well here on Earth and we may have to care for her forever but we believe that one of these options may make her seizure free and that really weighs heavy on us. We do not want to do either of these drastic things but we have to look at what is going to be best for her. And as I said before, God could heal her before anything is done, we could have the MRI done next week and find that her brain has been completely restored. Only God knows what He is going to do. Praying for the best!

 Now is the time that we have to walk by blind faith. We do not want to make any decisions that we will regret later in life. "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence fo things not seen." Hebrews 11:1 "For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the power of God to salvation for everyone who believes, for the Jew first and also the Greek. For in it the rightousness of God is revealed from faith to faith as it is written, "The just shall live by faith."" Romans 1:16-17 More than any other time we need everyone to pray for us. As I have said before, if we have the faith of a mustard seed, we can move mountains.

Brighter days are ahead, I can feel that. I know Georgia will be seizure free, I'm not sure how that will come about but I believe with everything in me that she will be seizure free. I long for the days when this season of sorrow and pain will pass and we will be standing on the mountain top looking down into the valley that we have overcome. I was just telling Sean yesterday that maybe God has us here so that we can be for other people what we lack. We wish that there was someone out there has walked where we walk now and could there to hold our hands and encourage us. I know we can be that for some other family in the future.

"Move"

I'm not about to give up
Because I heard you say
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days
I won't stop, I'll keep my head up
No, I'm not here to stay
There's gonna be brighter days
There's gonna be brighter days

I just might bend but I won't break
As long as I can see your face

When life won't play along
And right keeps going wrong
And I can't seem to find my way
I know where I am found
So I won't let it drag me down
Oh, I'll keep dancing anyway

I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move (move)
I'm gonna move

I've got to hold it steady
Keep my head in the game
Everything is about to change
Everything is about to change

This hurt is getting heavy
But I'm not about to cave
Everything's about to change
There's gonna be brighter days

No matter what may come
Gotta move to a different drum
No matter what life brings
Gotta move gotta move to a different beat

I leave you with these words of encouragement, "In God I have put my trust; I will not be afraid." Psalms 56:11

 God has blessed us with you Love Bug!

Not because you need us but because we need you!

Calm in the Chaos

   So it's been a while...A few things have happened since my last post. First of all, Georgia and Conerly fought with one another, sitting face to face fighting for the same toy. Now I do not condone fighting but this is a huge thing for Georgia, because she hardly notices him at all, so for her to sit down in front of him and grab at a toy from his hand is HUGE! Second, Georgia was eating lunch one day and she held a french fry in one hand and a chicken nugget in the other, going back and forth between the two hands, which means she is starting to divide her attention between two objects at the same time. Usually, she throws whatever is in her hand to get another object, again this is HUGE! Thirdly, last night my husband was showing her how to play the conga drums that we got her for her birthday and she was playing it, she was using both hands and playing the drums, you guessed it, HUGE! And lastly, this morning she allowed her brother to kiss her. She was laying on the floor and he came over and came her a kiss on the forehead and she let him, HUGE! Praise be to God. It's in the little things and I am over the moon with all that she is doing.

   My husband is in the military and was trained as a medic and was telling me about this training where he put into a simulated combat environment, people yelling, pitch black room, pure chaos and all you had was the background training and a pen light to give help to the patient. Listen twice, that is what he told me. Listen twice, God is gentle in His ways whereas Satan is chaotic, yelling, at times you feel you cannot drown at the sound of Satan and doubt, but God is there, coaching you through the chaos, giving you cues, holding your hand, calming you. I am anxious by nature and this is something that I really struggle with to just be still and wait, to listen twice.

   Even though things look bleak I know I need to hold fast because if I allow Satan to break me down and fill me with doubt then I have not only let my Love Bug down but also myself and most importantly God. So, even though I go through this cycle of up and down, in my heart I'm holding on to God with everything in me and believing that something great will come of this and one way or another, Georgia will be healed. I am like that little child who is holding on to her Daddy's pant leg and will not let go until he answers me or picks me up and holds me. And, just the other night, I was in the presence of my Father, I was dreaming that Jesus was holding me and I could not see Him but I knew it was Him and He was not holding my earthly body but my soul and just as He was going to put me down, I begged Him not to put me down and He held me for just a while longer. So I know God is here and He is holding me, even when I cannot hold myself.

   For the longest time, I have struggled with, did I do this to my child, did I drink too much tea, did I not eat enough or when I asked to be induced did I do this to my child, give her these seizures? The answer is no, I did not do this to her, I could not have prevented this from happening, God allowed this but He also did not give this to her because He only gives good things. I know this for a fact because I have been reading in the book of John and it says, "As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him." John 9:1-3

   I would like to say a special thanks to my sister, Laura, who is always encouraging me and I know that she loves my daughter Georgia as she was her own daughter. Laura is not an open book and is rather reserved with her emotions but I have seen her cry so much over my daughter and I know it hurts her as much as it hurts me, she so desperately wants Georgia to be healed. A couple of weeks ago during revival the Evanglist was talking about people who are right there on the boat with you, right or wrong, good or bad, they are rght there with you and that is my sister, she is right here with me on this boat and I am so grateful for that. I would also like the thank the rest of my family who in their own ways are encouraging and believing in God to deliver us. I do not know where I would be without you.

4 Days Late
   If you are unfamilair with the story of Lazarus, it is about a friend of Jesus who got sick and died, Lazarus' sisters Mary and Martha called for Jesus to come and heal their brother but Jesus did not come in time and Lazarus died, oh how the sisters were sad and filled with grief. Jesus came and brought their brother back even after he was buried. Even when He is four days late, He is still on time. Many times, God will wait until the very last second to deliver you but He will deliver you and I am steadfastly believing in this.

Martha ran to Him and then she cried
'Lord if You had been here- You could have healed him. He'd still be alive.
But You're four days late; and all hope is gone.
Lord we don't understand why You've waited so long.'
But His way is God's way.
It's not yours or mine
But isn't it great when He's four days late- He's still on time!

Believe with me today, God is good! All things will come to an end and pass away but God will remain. With every seizure that presents itself we are one fewer to the end. Praise God!


                    "Hold"

Tell me that it's gonna be okay
Tell me that You'll help me find my way
Tell me You can see the light of dawn is breaking
Tell me that it's gonna be alright
Tell me that You'll help me fight this fight
Tell me that You won't leave me alone in this

'Cause I need, I need a hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding over slow
'Cause I need, I need Your hand to hold
To hold me from the edge
The edge I'm sliding past
Hold on to me

Tell me I can make it through this day
I don't even have the words to pray
You have been the only One who never left me
Help me find the way through all my fears
Help me see the light through all my tears
Help me see that I am not alone in this

Be Still and Wait

   Georgia had a great day today, or I should say better today than the last few days. She had only a few seizures and not the huge amount that she was having the last few days. She smiled and played and giggled. I love my baby to the ends of the Earth and I tell her that often. I always want her to know that no matter what happens Mommy loves her and will always take care of her. I keep praying for a miracle and I know that it is coming but in the mean time, the day to day pressures seem unsurmountable at times.

   I am not sure if many people know this but having a child that has special needs and a serious medical condition can not only drain a person emotionally and finacially but also the parent's marriage is strained. It's not the normal day to day challenges that we face, we face decisions that will forever affect our child. Oh how I wish our biggest struggle was picking out the bedtime story or what we willl have for a snack, but we have to make the decision to give her a medicine that may or may not even be helping her and have to worry about the residual side-effects of all that we are pumping into her body. It can definately be straining to a couple and trying to find a way to cope with the situation that we find ourselves in. It's hard.

   When I speak to people about Georgia and tell how I do not understand why God allows this to keep happening, they often refer me back to Job. Yes, that man struggled, more than any person should have to, but he also questioned God. He did not understand why this was happening to him. He was not praising God for this trial, he was confused. "Therefore, I will not restrain my mouth; I will speak the anguish of my spirit; I will complain in the bitterness of my soul." Job 7:11 Now, I'm not Job and I have not gone through all that Job endured and I pray that that will never be that case, but I am lost and confused especially when I know that God is the great healer and He could take this from Georgia in an instant.

   I recently read a book called, Waiting on God by Cherie Hill, and it talks about how we have to wait on God. Well, in my mind, I feel I have been patiently waiting for 2.5 years. This is about how long Georgia has had seizures, it seems like someone else's life when I think about Georgia pre-seizures. But my point is, I have to continue to wait, God will release Georgia from this bond when He has me right where He wants me. The book talks about yielding and if I yield right before the light breaks I will miss out on the blessing. The darkest hour precedes the breaking of the dawn. I felt I was there when we first discovered the seizures but I have found that things only get worse before they get better and God is preparing my road. He is preparing me to be something greater than the way He found me. That small voice inside of me continually tells me to patiently wait. So, I will do just that.

   Be Still and Wait...

Hard to Stay Positive

   It's hard to stay positive on days like this, Georgia starting her day off with a little cuddling with Mommy then heading downstairs for breakfast; then suddently, out of nowhere "the beast" (aka seizures) take hold and before you know it, she is down on the ground rigid, holding her breath, waiting for it to pass so she can just get up and wait for another one to bring her down. I often wonder what goes through her mind, does she think that this is how life is supposed to be? does it hurt her? is it like a shock of electricity? What happens? Does Jesus hold her and give her comfort from the time the seizure starts to the time her body regains composure?

   As a Mother, it is hard to sit there and watch that happen over and over throughout the day and not be able to do anything to stop it. I try to hold her almost everytime it happens and rub her back and give her reassuring words but in my heart I do not believe them. I do not believe there is any comfort for her in them. Telling her, it's okay and this too shall pass, and Jesus knows, but really it's not okay and it does not seem to pass, another day of seizures, another day full of falling, another day of crying because that is all she can do, she cannot express her pain in any other way.

   When you are told there is nothing anyone can do and do not expect much out of your daughter because she is never going to meet your expectations. It's hard to see the silver lining in the clouds. I do everything in my power to make her well, I spend a lot of time in prayer, I give her the medicine (which by the way, I have to hold her down and sit on her and then pray that she can get it down without throwing it back up) I hold her, I love on her and still nothing seems to be change.Waiting for a moment to put both kids down for their nap so I can run to the shower and cry the pain out of me so I can recompose myself to be everything that she needs me to be.

    I do not understand why Georgia was put here to endure these awful seizures and nothing is going to change (at least according to the doctors). Aren't doctors put here to do everything they can do make a person well, aren't they put here to give you hope? My only hope is that Georgia at least be able to go without having seizures. So what if she is my child forever with a mind of a child, if I could just will away the seizures all would be well.

   I see my son, doing so well, so curious and animated and wish that Georgia could see that this is what life is about, playing and making faces, and smiling at me to get out of trouble, not falling, crying to get his way, not crying out of pure frustration or anguish. Like I said, hard to stay positive on days like this.

   Trying, trying, trying...